It occurred to me that the (I.D.C.) Incontinence Dining Club and the (C.R.A.F.T.)Club, Can't Remember A Fucking Thing (Club) maybe associated. I say maybe as I think I am a member of the latter. I know I am a member of the former. The reason I know I am a member of a the I.D.C. is because I am aware it is a dining club orientated around rugby games and also I wet myself a lot! I am also reminded of this by the likes of Gracey, Pinder and Lewis. All associates and fellow Incontinenters, a fine bunch of chaps only they can be a trifle smelly at times.

I think there is a waiting list for membership of this organisation, as this chap Boucher who I was talking to in the bar of a rugby club, said that he had the necessary qualifications to join, this was made obvious by his actions for after drinking a mouthful of beer he ran off to the toilet. He did this seven times during the period when he was prosecuting his case for membership. He has been placed top of the waiting list and presented with a catheter in club colours to indicate his status of Incontinent in Waiting, hopefully this period, for his sake, will be very brief!

I believe that these two organisations have figured more in my life recently. You will notice that a lot of statements in this article are preceded by or succeeded by phrases like; "I think","I assume" "I believe" "Possibly" "Maybe" and the like, for reasons that will become clear.

I think I am a member of the CRAFT club because I get a direct debit with those initials on it and I haven't the nerve to ask anybody if that's what it means. Also I assume I qualify as a member as I walk around with a bemused look on my face and say to everyone I meet "Good Morning". I do this because you never know one of these people could be my wife and its better to be safe than sorry!

One of the disturbing things about the CRAFT club is that I believe there is a President, a Chairman and a Treasurer but I cannot remember who they are. This is particularly worrying in the case of the Treasurer! For all I know this could be a worldwide organisation, god knows who could be members; Bush, O J Simson (Not guilty melud"), Blair (W of M D), Margaret Beckit (I am so beautiful) for Christ sake! and many more. I suppose if we could remember who we were we could have a reunion. The trouble is we all would be saying "Who are you?" on meeting then five minutes later after circulating meeting them again and saying "Have we met?" It could get a bit tedious. Also we would probably forget to turn up in the first place.

One of the things I am sure about is that in CRAFT there is a points system. I know this because a friend, Umm... whats his name? Moffat I think. Anyway this chap who also pays this same direct debit, said that he remembers a system where for a minor forgetfulness, like putting on your underpants the wrong way, you are awarded 3 points out of 10 but for a large forget like; Mother in Laws name, how many children you have, where you live, etc, you could earn up to 10 points! These points, so he says, have a value. However we are not sure how to realise the value of the accumulated points. We have tried exchanging them for air miles or Co-op dividend cheques but have been sternly rebuked. Somebody, I can't remember who, suggested they were redeemable at "Fatima Hassans Exotic Massage Parlour" Fishponds, I have yet to test this!

I have recently joined a bowling club, something that I looked forward to with trepidation as there would be a whole raft of new names to remember. But joy upon joy they are all members of CRAFT, they don't realise it of course but at a club melee or roll up they were all going round with that bemused half smile on their face of someone who wasn't sure if he/she should be here or in the post office queue. Also they way some of them stooped down to bowl I am sure they had their underpants on the wrong way round.

There must be some compensations in being a club member but I damned if I can remember what they are! so I will keep on paying the direct debit and next time I meet you I will say "Hello"..... again!