WOT NO LUNCH?

The week before the Stroud game Mr Lewis reported that he was playing golf at Wotton in the morning so he would not be travelling with the Supporters Club up to Stroud. Instead he would meet them for lunch in a pub in Stonehouse. He described the pub to TGGW and amazingly TGGW knew the pub so getting there, without Mr Lewis, would not be a problem. TGGW asked Mr Lewis who was going to organise the trip in the absence of the Transport Manager (Mr Lewis). Mr Lewis did not know the answer to that question.

TGGW waited until Saturday morning and no one had rung him to tell him where and what time to meet. TGGW rang Mr Bignell who said he was not going to Stroud because he had family visiting. What family could this be, wondered TGGW … half of Mr Bignell’s family lived in America and the other half was Pete who always, when he visited his father, came to watch the Rugby. Maybe Mr Bignell had some more family that the Supporters Club knew nothing about … this was unlikely … ergo … the Supporters Club had been travelling to 1st team away games for a few years now and sometimes, on long trips, the conversation might falter a bit as news of Mr Lewis’s exploits on the golf course or Mr Pinders draconian captainship of the skittle team or TGGW’s latest woodwork project somehow came to seem …. how should we put it … bleedin’ boring. It was into these lapses of tittle tattle and gossip that Mr Bignell had been inserting his family history so that now the Supporters Club were very familiar with every aspect of the Bignell dynasty right back to the time when they were in the Crusades. Anyway Mr Bignell was going to be absent so that only left Mr Pinder and TGGW to do the trip.

TGGW rang Mr Pinder who did not answer his phone. Mr Pinder later explained why this had been so but TGGW forgot the reason … it is not important to this story anyway. TGGW left a message on Mr Pinders phone and went away to paint some cupboard doors he was making ofr Daughter No.1. These doors had been a bit of a problem. TGGW had made three prototypes before he found a reliable way to do it. The problem was that Daughter No.1 (greatly influenced by the Chief Fairy) had insisted that the doors be flush on the outside to prevent the build up of dust / grease / muck in the rebates so favoured by TGGW in the doors he had made so far. The trouble was that TGGW had been forced to use plywood to build the doors (seven of them) and plywood is not very smooth, it has lots of little cracks and imperfections in it. TGGW had rang round lots of wood suppliers asking if they had any smooth plywood but they didn’t. One wood supplier said that he could get some from a place at Yate but it was very expensive and wasn’t open on Saturdays … so that was no good. TGGW had tried staining and varnishing a practice door but it had looked awful so he had had to paint the doors. He had thought that the paint would fill in all the imperfections in the wood but it hadn’t and TGGW was now onto his fifth coat of paint (2 undercoat / primer). I f this didn’t work then he would just have to pretend that the cracks and stuff were a feature to give it some character. He thought that Daughter might accept this or at least be too polite to make a fuss but he knew the Chief Fairy would be having none of it and complain about how the dust / muck / grease would get into the little, tiny, barely perceptible, cracks. Where were we … oh yes … whilst TGGW was over the garage painting, Mr Pinder rang back. Unfortunately Mariamu answered the phone and if Mr Pinder had left a message, then the conduit of TGGW’s 3 yr old grand daughter was never going to have sufficient bandwidth to enable an error free reception of said message. TGGW rang Mr Pinder back and they arranged to meet at the TRFC clubhouse and go to the pub from there. Mr Pinder was anxious to ascertain that TGGW knew where the pub was because he had looked on the Internet and there was no pub in Stonehouse called the Wheatsheaf which is what Mr Lewis had told Mr Pinder the pub was. TGGW did not know what the pub was called but he definitely knew where it was.

TGGW drove and the pub was easily found but it wasn’t called the Wheatsheaf … it was called something else that sounded a bit like the Wheatsheaf and may even have begun with a ‘W’. There was no sign of Mr Lewis’s car. Mr Pinder whipped out his mobile brain tumour machine and rang Mr Lewis. No answer. TGGW was sure this was the pub but there was one other pub in Stonehouse but TGGW was sure it wasn’t that one so he and Mr Pinder went into the pub they were at with a name that has momentarily slipped out of TGGW’s RAM. On entering the pub there was the choice of two doors, one to the left end t’other to the right. They went in the left hand door and found a few old age pensioners sat round a fire drinking glasses of Barley Wine and talking about the war. Wrong door. The other door had a sign on the door which said ‘Lounge’ and promised a more salubrious setting for the now depleted Supporters Club lunch. There were a couple of birds in the pub and a few lone, old males in dirty macs. Nobody was eating and the pub stopped serving food at 1400hrs. It was 1401hrs when Mr Pinder got the beer and the barmaid said there was no chance of lunch.

TGGW/Mr Pinder sat down on some tiny little chairs. Mr Pinder doubted whether he would be able to get up again. TGGW noticed that the chairs had only one arm rest and thought they must be some kind of Gloucestershire special chair made for dwarves who had lost an arm … maybe in the war. Then TGGW noticed that the chairs had not originally been constructed with one arm but the arms had been sawn off at a later stage … Why? Mr Pinder texted Mr Lewis on his machine then he texted Mr Crabtree (who was accompanying Mr Lewis on the Golf Course). Neither of them replied to the text so Mr Pinder texted again. It was getting on for 1430hrs by now and Mr Pinder had given up texting. They decided they had better head off for the ground but first TGGW said they could go up to the other end of Stonehouse and look at the other pub just in case it was called the Wheatsheaf but TGGW was sure it wasn’t. It wasn’t and TGGW drove in great big loop to eventually fetch them almost back where they had started at the pub with no food.

Right lets get to the ground and stop messing about decided Mr Pinder and TGGW. Where is it exactly asked TGGW for although the Supporters Club had visited Stroud Rugby Club several times before it was always difficult to find and in the past they had always approached from ‘over the tops’ where there were loads of nice country pubs that served food. TGGW confided in Mr Pinder, however, that he was not too bothered about the lack of lunch because he felt a bit sick. TGGW thought that this was due to the Walnut bread he had purchased at Tescos the previous evening when that was the only bread on the shelves. The bread tasted nice but it was heavy and after a few slices began to make you feel sick. TGGW drove on towards Stroud and was slightly alarmed at the noises coming from Mr Pinder. Mr Pinder kept mumbling that he had no idea where they were and he had never been here before and was TGGW sure this was the road to Stroud. TGGW interrupted Mr Pinder’s ramblings to make sure that he did know where the Stroud ground was. Mr Pinder said it was next to Sainsburys but … yes you’ve guessed … Mr Pinder did not know where Sainsburys was. Neither did TGGW. Mr Pinder said he thought that TGGW did no where the ground was. TGGW replied that NO … he had only claimed to know where the pub was and he had taken them to the pub with unerring accuracy … it was Mr Pinder’s job to know where the ground was … why hadn’t he looked ont’ Internet or brought his SatNav. Because, said Mr Pinder, he had thought that TGGW knew where the ground was … NO … The conversation went on like this until the centre of Stroud was reached. On previous visits they had never had to go into the centre of Stroud so they knew they were on the wrong track. Mr Pinder wound down the window and asked a couple of local thugs (they may have been taxi drivers) the way to the ground … the instructions sounded simple enough and the thugs said we couldn’t miss it. Unfortunately TGGW thought that Mr Pinder had been listening closely to the instructions and Mr Pinder thought that TGGW had. They ended up driving out into the countryside towards Cirencester. Both members of the Supporters Club agreed that this could not be right so they turned round and drove back … into the centre of Stroud. They tried another exit off the roundabout they thought they may have gone wrong at the last time and came to a dead end. Another exit took them back to Stonehouse then they were in the middle of Stroud town centre again. Time was ticking on. They knew they were near to the ground and if they knew the way they could be there before kick off … just. Mr Pinder wanted a pee. He had been saying this for some time but TGGW had ignored him. They had decided at the pub with no food that there was no need to go to the bog because they were only five minutes from the ground … this was a mistake because Mr Pinder’s notoriously weak bladder was now causing him severe discomfort. TGGW pulled into a big Supermarket (unfortunately it wasn’t Sainsbury’s) and Mr Pinder scooted off for a pee. He came back, eventually, clutching a piece of paper with the directions to the ground on it. The lady at the Sainsbury’s help desk had provided the instructions so they now set off again with a modicum more confidence. Then they were back in the bloody centre of Stroud again. TGGW wanted to scream. Mr Pinder, deprived of his internet / SatNav and other IT tools had turned out to be the worst navigator in the world. Kick off had, by now, come and gone. TGGW decided to take matters into his own hands and set off for a point on the circular route they had been following for the past half hour, that he vaguely recognised. Then they were on the road to Cirencester again. OK maybe it was the other exit off the roundabout then. They went back took another exit and almost immediately recognised the road to the ground. As they drove up to the club gates Mr Pinder searched in his pockets for the exorbitant entrance fee that Stroud always charged. TGGW put on his OAP face because they got in for half price. Hah!! The gate was unmanned and TGGW/Mr Pinder got in for nothing … noting however that Stroud had reduced the entrance fee to £3 and £1.50 for OAPs. Stroud was now cheaper than TRFC if you were an OAP!! The committee must be informed intoned Mr Pinder.

Stroud had just scored a try when they arrived. Thornbury were 5-0 down. It was pissing down with rain and there was a hurricane blowing down the pitch. Mr Pinder stood morosely on the touchline. TGGW went into the clubhouse to watch Gloucester vs Wasps on SKY. Messrs Lewis and Crabtree were nowhere to be seen. Messrs Stinton and Birkhill could be seen they were standing dripping wet outside the clubhouse looking miserable. TGGW left the SKY TV for a while to go and talk to them. They too, it turned out, had had a lot of trouble finding the ground. Mr Stinton said he had been distracted by Mr Birkhill’s inane chatter and had missed the turn off and they had not got to the ground in time for kick off.

The golfers turned up. Mr Lewis explained that someone had got a hole in one and they had had to stay and celebrate also Mr Crabtree had lost three golf balls which had made the game last a lot longer than expected also Mr Lewis had played particularly badly which had made the game last even more longer than expected. Then they had been unable to find the ground and had driven through the centre of Stroud three times and asked some taxi driver thugs the way but their instructions had somehow got them on the road to Cirencester. Mr Lewis said he had not answered Mr Pinder’s texts because they were not allowed to take the mobile brain tumour machines onto the golf course in case they infected other golfers. And Mr Lewis had had no lunch and was very hungry. He and TGGW bought cheese and onion rolls from the clubhouse. The rolls were very filling but no sooner had they finished them when they noticed that there was some free food hidden in a corner of the clubhouse. There was bread and ham and onions … there was no cheese and the bread was like very small round bits and it was difficult to make a proper sandwich but Mr Lewis and TGGW persevered and ended up with several small ham and onion sandwiches.

Thornbury kicked a penalty to close the ‘gap’ to 5-3 and Gloucester were beating Wasps. Thornbury scored a try to take the lead but later on Stroud kicked a penalty and the game ended in a 8-8 draw. Gloucester beat Wasps and Danny Cipriano did not make an appearance or if he did TGGW did not notice it.

On the way back to the TRFC Clubhouse TGGW and Mr Pinder agreed that it had been a very unsatisfactory day and Mr Bignell was to blame. Mr Bignell was in the TRFC Clubhouse and said it was everybody else’s fault … how could it be his fault if he wasn’t there. TGGW said it wasn’t his fault because he found the pub all right and Mr Pinder said it wasn’t his fault because he thought TGGW knew to the ground and the fact that the pub was a weirdo pub and stopped serving food at 1400hrs was Mr Lewis’s fault because he had chose it. Mr Lewis said the pub was ok the last time he had been there … about twenty years ago … and anyway it couldn’t have been his fault because he was playing golf. Mr Crabtree was serving behind the bar already and was absolved of all blame.
It was Janet and John’s Ruby Wedding Anniversary Party that night and that turned out to be a lot better than the day that had preceded it. Mr Pinder didn’t come to the party.